Sometimes you just need a vacation from your thoughts and have a laugh. Break time to the rescue. Enjoy these little tidbits. They will be updated and changed all the time. Enjoy!
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HOW TO START A FIGHT
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
How to start a fight part 2
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
part3
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
and fnally part 4
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
A Male Fairy Tale - Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?" and the Princess said, "No!" And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and dated long-legged women and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to bars and dated ladies half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was so cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up. The End
The Arabs are not happy!
They're not happy in Gaza.
They're not happy in Egypt.
They're not happy in Libya.
They're not happy in Morocco.
They're not happy in Iran.
They're not happy in Iraq.
They're not happy in Yemen.
They're not happy in Afghanistan.
They're not happy in Pakistan.
They're not happy in Syria.
They're not happy in Lebanon.
So, where are they happy?
They're happy in Australia.
They're happy in England.
They're happy in France.
They're happy in Italy.
They're happy in Germany.
They're happy in Sweden.
They're happy in the USA.
They're happy in Norway.
They're happy in every country that is not Muslim.
And who do they blame?
Not Islam.
Not their leadership.
Not themselves.
THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES WHERE THEY ARE HAPPY!!!
And they want to change them to be like the countries they came from.
How dumb can you get?
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. Phyllis Diller
Complete and Finished - what's the difference? No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words 'complete' and 'finished' in a way that's so easy to understand: Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE & FINISHED. But, there is an explanation, as told by a New Englander. When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE. And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ... COMPLETELY FINISHED!!!
A true masterpiece of history..Patriot Freedom
LITERALLY STEP BACK INTO TIME..SAN FRANSISCO,1906...TURN UP THE SPEAKERS ...AND TAKE A RIDE....
When you are done with the above version, please see the NEW enhanced version below...with the additional footage...new footage takes you to the END OF THE LINE and also has a different soundtrack.."Amazing new Info on this film". FYI: A Trip Down Market Street was filmed in 1906!!
This film, was originally thought to be from 1905 until David Kiehn with the Niles Essanay Silent Film Museum figured out exactly when it was shot. From New York trade papers announcing the film showing, to the wet streets from recent heavy rainfall & shadows indicating time of year & actual weather and conditions on historical record, even when the cars were registered (he knows who owned them and when the plates were issued).. It was filmed only four days before the quake and shipped by train to NY for processing. Amazing but true! Copied from..www.archive.org.
A trip down Market Street. The original version of which can be downloaded at....www.archive.org...suffered badly from "Film Roll" at the beginning and end, this version however has had those faults corrected and shows alot more detail particularly at the end were the film froze and skipped frames.
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion? Read the next question before looking at the response for this one.
Question 2:
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts. Here are the facts about the three candidates.
Candidate A.
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with an astrologist. He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 martinis a day.
Candidate B.
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
Candidate C.
He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke, only drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife. Which of these candidates would be your choice? Decide first ... no peeking, then scroll down for the response.
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt. Candidate B is Winston Churchill. Candidate C is Adolph Hitler. And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question: If you said YES, you just killed Beethoven.
America’s problem in one picture……
This financial crisis is forcing State and local agencies to make some tough decisions.
If things continue for much longer, there’s a real risk that we may have to lay off Jose.
They will claim they found out the only guy working is illegal so he will have to be fired and deported.
A young Arab asks his father, "What is that weird hat you are wearing?" The father said, "Why, it's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun." "And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?" asked the young man. "It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body." said the father. The son asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet? His father replied, "These are 'babouches", which keep us from burning our feet in the desert." "So tell me then," added the boy. "Yes, my son?" "Why are you living in Dearborn, Michigan , and still wearing all this?”
THE BADGE OF AUTHORITY
A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher.
He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher says, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.
With every step the 2,000 pound bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified.
The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
"YOUR BADGE! SHOW HIM YOUR BADGE!
ORDERING A PIZZA UNDER THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION IF HE GETS ALL HIS AGENDA THRU ...THIS IS GOOD
A quick quiz about America, for Americans
Here's a short, fun quiz about your country. 1 point for a correct answer, no points for a wrong one. Sorry - no prizes!
Questions
1. Who was the first American president?
2. Who is America named after?
3. What was Billy the Kid's real name?
4.Where was baseball invented?
5. How did Nome in Alaska get its name?
6. How many states are there in the USA?
7. What were George Washington's false teeth made from?
8. What's the the world's largest city? (clue: it's in the USA)
9. What's the world's largest man-made structure? (clue: again, it's in the USA)
10. What did Buffalo Bill do to buffaloes?
Answers
1. No marks for George Washington, who was only the 15th. The first president of the "United States in Congress Assembled", also known as the Continental Congress, was Peyton Randolph.
2. No marks for Amerigo Vespucci, but give yourself a pat on the back if you said Richard Ameryk, who was Welsh. He was the chief patron of John Cabot's voyages to North America in 1497-8, and a contemporary record is the first in which the name "America" is used. Vespucci did not reach the Americas until 1500.
3. No marks for William Bonney. The correct answer is Henry McCarty, as William Bonney was only an alias.
4. England, of course! It was first mentioned in print in 1744, and it even gets a mention by Jane Austen (in "Northanger Abbey"). A story was invented in 1907 that the game was the idea of Abner Doubleday, but that was pure fantasy. We also invented cricket of course, and we kept the better game for ourselves!
5. It was a spelling mistake. In the 1850s, a ship's officer on a British vessel noticed a prominent cape and scribbled "Name?" on his chart. When the map was redrawn at the Admiralty in London, a clerk misread the scribble as "Nome" and that is what it has been called ever since.
6. 46. Oh, so you thought there were 50? You're forgetting about Massachusetts, Kentucky, Virginia and Pennsylvania, which are all Commonwealths, not States.
7. Hippopotamus and elephant ivory, mostly. No marks if you said wood. Washington had terrible teeth, and had lost all but one of his own by the time he became President.
8. Honolulu. Largest by area, that is, and only because the city and county are one and the same. The area of 2,127 square miles comprises the whole of Oahu and other islands stretching 1,500 miles into the Pacific. 72% of the area is water.
9. Fresh Kills, the rubbish dump on Staten Island. In volume, it is larger than the Great Wall of China. It covers 4.6 square miles and, at its peak, was 80 feet higher than the Statue of Liberty. It was closed in 2001, but used again in 2002 to take the debris from the World Trade Centre.
10. Buffalo Bill never saw a buffalo in his life, and there are none in North America. He saw plenty of bison, though, and shot 4,280 in under 18 months. The common ancestor of the buffalo and the bison died out about 6 million years ago. Incidentally, do you know the difference between a buffalo and a bison? You don't? Well, you can't wash your hands in a buffalo.
How did you get on it? Congratulations if you got all ten!
SORRY LADIES...BUT...
WOMAN DRIVERS-SEEING IS BELIEVING!
Why Athletes Can’t Have Regular Jobs:
1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: “I wan’ all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan’ all the kids to copulate me."
2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: “I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.”
3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the Skins say: “I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,” Matt Millen of the Raiders said: “To win, I’d run over Joe’s Mom, too.”
4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: “He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings…”
5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.”
6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : “I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.” (Now, that is beautiful!)
7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: “You guys line up alphabetically by height…” And, “You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle.”
8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison: “Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton .”
9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: “That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes.”
10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota: “He's a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is.”
11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: “My sister's expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.” (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)
12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player: “I asked him, ‘Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He said, ‘Coach, I don’t know and I don't care.’”
13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F’s and one D: “Son, looks to me like you’re spending too much time on one subject.”
14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford: “I can go to my left or right… I am amphibious.”
15. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips. Phillips responded: “Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye.”
Short American Quiz
Here's a short, fun quiz about your country. 1 point for a correct answer, no points for a wrong one. Sorry - no prizes! The answers are below, but you only spoil the fun if you cheat!
Questions
1. Who was the first American president?
2. Who is America named after?
3. What was Billy the Kid's real name?
4.Where was baseball invented?
5. How did Nome in Alaska get its name?
6. How many states are there in the USA?
7. What were George Washington's false teeth made from?
8. What's the the world's largest city? (clue: it's in the USA)
9. What's the world's largest man-made structure? (clue: again, it's in the USA)
10. What did Buffalo Bill do to buffaloes?
Answers
1. No marks for George Washington, who was only the 15th. The first president of the "United States in Congress Assembled", also known as the Continental Congress, was Peyton Randolph.
2. No marks for Amerigo Vespucci, but give yourself a pat on the back if you said Richard Ameryk, who was Welsh. He was the chief patron of John Cabot's voyages to North America in 1497-8, and a contemporary record is the first in which the name "America" is used. Vespucci did not reach the Americas until 1500.
3. No marks for William Bonney. The correct answer is Henry McCarty, as William Bonney was only an alias.
4. England, of course! It was first mentioned in print in 1744, and it even gets a mention by Jane Austen (in "Northanger Abbey"). A story was invented in 1907 that the game was the idea of Abner Doubleday, but that was pure fantasy. We also invented cricket of course, and we kept the better game for ourselves!
5. It was a spelling mistake. In the 1850s, a ship's officer on a British vessel noticed a prominent cape and scribbled "Name?" on his chart. When the map was redrawn at the Admiralty in London, a clerk misread the scribble as "Nome" and that is what it has been called ever since.
6. 46. Oh, so you thought there were 50? You're forgetting about Massachusetts, Kentucky, Virginia and Pennsylvania, which are all Commonwealths, not States.
7. Hippopotamus and elephant ivory, mostly. No marks if you said wood. Washington had terrible teeth, and had lost all but one of his own by the time he became President.
8. Honolulu. Largest by area, that is, and only because the city and county are one and the same. The area of 2,127 square miles comprises the whole of Oahu and other islands stretching 1,500 miles into the Pacific. 72% of the area is water.
9. Fresh Kills, the rubbish dump on Staten Island. In volume, it is larger than the Great Wall of China. It covers 4.6 square miles and, at its peak, was 80 feet higher than the Statue of Liberty. It was closed in 2001, but used again in 2002 to take the debris from the World Trade Centre.
10. Buffalo Bill never saw a buffalo in his life, and there are none in North America. He saw plenty of bison, though, and shot 4,280 in under 18 months. The common ancestor of the buffalo and the bison died out about 6 million years ago. Incidentally, do you know the difference between a buffalo and a bison? You don't? Well, you can't wash your hands in a buffalo.
How did you get on? Congratulations if you got all ten!
LITERALLY STEP BACK INTO TIME..SAN FRANSISCO,1906...TURN UP THE SPEAKERS ...AND TAKE A RIDE....
When you are done with the above version, please see the NEW enhanced version below...with the additional footage...new footage takes you to the END OF THE LINE and also has a different soundtrack.."Amazing new Info on this film". FYI: A Trip Down Market Street was filmed in 1906!!
This film, was originally thought to be from 1905 until David Kiehn with the Niles Essanay Silent Film Museum figured out exactly when it was shot. From New York trade papers announcing the film showing, to the wet streets from recent heavy rainfall & shadows indicating time of year & actual weather and conditions on historical record, even when the cars were registered (he knows who owned them and when the plates were issued).. It was filmed only four days before the quake and shipped by train to NY for processing. Amazing but true! Copied from..www.archive.org.
A trip down Market Street. The original version of which can be downloaded at....www.archive.org...suffered badly from "Film Roll" at the beginning and end, this version however has had those faults corrected and shows alot more detail particularly at the end were the film froze and skipped frames.
Be sure to read the final paragraph; your understanding of it will depend on the earlier part of the content.
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.
Why was that gauge used?
Because that's the way they built them in England , and English expatriates built the US railroads.
Why did the English build them like that?
Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.
Why did 'they' use that gauge then?
Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.
Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?
Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England , because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.
So who built those old rutted roads?
Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England ) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.
And the ruts in the roads?
Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all a like in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. Bureaucracies live forever.
So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process and wonder 'What horse's ass came up with it?', you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses, ן¿½two horse's assesן¿½. Now, the twist to the story:
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRB's. The SRB's are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah .
The engineers who designed the SRB's would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRB's had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRB's had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.
So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important? Ancient horse's asses control almost everything... and
CURRENT Horses Asses are controlling everything else.
Statesmen tell you what is true even though it may be unpopular. Politicians will tell you what is popular, even though it may be untrue.
Japanese scientists claim to have a camera with a shutter speed so fast it can actually photograph Obama with his mouth shut!
'In politics, absurdity is not a handicap'. Napoleon Bonaparte.
'You can fool all of the people all of the time if the advertising is right and the budget is big enough.' Joseph Levine
When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators. PJ O'Rourke
Nobody can fix the economy. Nobody can be trusted with their finger on the button. Nobody's perfect. Vote for Nobody.
FREE KITTENS
A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.
Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a tall, grinning man.
"Hi there little girl, I'm President Obama. What do you have in the basket?" he asked.
"Kittens," little Suzy said.
"How old are they?" asked Obama.
Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."
"And what kind of kittens are they?"
"Democrats," answered Suzy with a smile.
Obama was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.
Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the president should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.
So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her basket of "FREE KITTENS," when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN.
Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Obama got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.
"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."
"Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're Republicans."
Taken by surprise, the president stammered, "But... but... yesterday, you told me they were DEMOCRATS."
Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know. But today, they have their eyes open."
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Chicago . Nothing Is Moving north or south.
Suddenly a man knocks on his window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks, 'What happened, what's the hold Up?'
'Terrorists have kidnapped Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton,Oprah Winfrey, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Rosie O'Donnell,Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton. They are asking for
a $10 Million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse
them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.'
The driver asks, 'On average, how much is everyone giving?'
'About a gallon.'
Why are terrorists suicidal?
Why are terrorists suicidal? Wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide? No Jesus, no Christmas, no television, no cheerleaders, no car races, no football, no soccer, no pork BBQ, no hot dogs, no burgers, no chocolate chip cookies, no lobster, no nachos, no beer nuts, no alcoholic beverages! Rags for clothes and towels for hats. Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors. Constant wailing from the guy in the tower. On your knees facing east most of the day. More than one wife. You can't shave. Your wives can't shave. You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung. Your bride is picked by someone else. She smells just like your donkey. Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better! I mean, really, is there a mystery here?
I recently submitted a building permit application for a new house. It was going to be 100 ft. tall and 400 ft. wide with 9 gun turrets at various heights and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system. It would have had parking for 200 cars and I was going to paint it snot green with pink trim. The City Council told me to forget about it. So, I sent the application in again, but this time I called it a Mosque. Work starts on Monday.
warning..there are a few choice words by Mr. Carlin
When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
WHEN THEY ARRIVED IN OFFICE WHEN THEY LEFT OFFICE
Q: What's the main problem with Barack Obama jokes? A: His followers don't think they're funny and everyone else doesn't think they're jokes.
The liberals are asking us to give Obama time. We agree and think 25 to life would be appropriate.
Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary? A: One is filled with tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for housing prisoners.
At a recent Obama speech there was a guy in the back of the hall screaming anti-American slogans and making hateful racist remarks. They turned the house lights up and it was Reverend Wright. For a moment Obama thought he was back in church and yelled, "Can I get an amen"?
Q: Why does Barack Obama oppose the Second Amendment? A: It stands between him and the First.
Obama has ordered GM to come out with a new model called the Pelosi. It's a convertible, but no one wants to see it with the top down.
If Nancy Pelosi and Obama were on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it started to sink, who would be saved? ... America!
Obama's campaign slogan "Yes we can" has become "Yes you will."
This Explains a LOT
Many will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claimed that an unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and the federal government.
However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of March 1948, exactly nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:
Albert Arnold Gore Jr. Hillary Rodham John F. Kerry William Jefferson Clinton Howard Dean Nancy Pelosi Dianne Feinstein Charles E. Schumer Barbara Boxer
See what happens when aliens breed with sheep? This piece of information may clear up a lot of things.
Psalm 2009....gotta' love it. FIRST BOOK OF GOVERNMENT .. Obama is the shepherd I did not want. He leadeth me beside the still factories. He restoreth my faith in the Republican party. He guideth me in the path of unemployment for his party's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the bread line, I shall fear no hunger, for his bailouts are with me. He has anointed my income with taxes, My expenses runneth over. Surely, poverty and hard living will follow me all the days of my life, And I will live in a mortgaged home forever. I am glad I am American, I am glad that I am free. But I wish I were a dog ... And Obama were a tree.
these photo's courtesy of The BlackSphereblogspot.com click
WHY BRITISH WEAR RED COATS
A long time ago, Britain and France were at war.
During one battle, the French captured an English colonel. They took him to their headquarters, and the French general began to question him. Finally, as an afterthought, the French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for my men to shoot at? In his bland English way, the officer informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show, and the men they are leading won't panic.
And that is why, from that day to this, all French army officers wear brown pants.
Swiss Army Drums FANTASTIC !!!!! video turn up the volume CLICK
RALPH & EDNA
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself , I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'
Happy Mental Health Day!
HOLMES & WATSON
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. ''Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.'' Watson replies, ''I see millions of stars.'' ''What does that tell you?'' Watson ponders for a minute. ''Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?'' Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. ''Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent.''
click hereVery Funny Video & Apoligies to the Girls click hereVery Funny Robo Bash Video
TWO GUYS IN LOWE'S HOMECENTER
Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe's Building Supply when they collide. The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going'. The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.' The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?' The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra..
What does your wife look like?' The old timer says... 'Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours.
HOLLYWOOD SQUARES
FUNNY FOR US WHO REMEMBER
If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when ' Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be? A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
Q. According to Cosmopolitain, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married? A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'? A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'? A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you' ll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather? A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year? A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other? A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet? A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls? A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to? A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people? A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it? A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do? A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant? A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex? A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A. Charley Weaver: His feet.
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed? A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh
MOSES &THE RED SEA
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. "Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved." "Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked. "Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"
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